Riot: Hudson Ryker's Story (Black Hearts Still Beat Book 5) Read online

  I glanced at Damon, smirking at his sleeping form. He’d always been the dad of the group. The one who kept us all in check. A constant voice of reason, even when me and Levi were too fucked up to listen.

  Not anymore, I thought to myself. Levi was a changed man. Sure, he was still our tortured, formidable front man, but since he and Phoebe had figured out their shit, he was a lot calmer.

  I raked a hand over my face, exhaling a steady breath.

  Everyone was asleep. Even Letty, which was a surprise given how hard she worked for us and the label. Everyone probably knew this would be the last proper rest we got before the roller coaster started again.

  The arena tour across the US had been nonstop. But a world stadium tour… I still couldn’t wrap my head around it.

  Here we were, barely twenty years old, about to embark on a world fucking tour. It was a life guys like me could usually only dream of.

  “N-no,” someone murmured upfront. “No… please, no.”

  Ice trickled through my veins as I realized who was dreaming. Quietly, I slipped out of my seat and made my way down the aisle toward Letty and Molly.

  She murmured something again, her expression drawn as she ran from whatever monsters chased her in her dreams.

  “Mol,” I whispered. “Wake up.”

  “No… please.” The pain coating her words made my stomach drop.

  She began thrashing in her big leather seat, fighting some invisible monster.

  “Molly girl, you’re dreaming. It’s just a dream.” I touched her arm, and her eyes flew open.

  “H-Hudson?” Her eyes immediately dropped to where I was touching her, and I snatched my hand away.

  “You were dreaming,” I said flatly, trying to calm myself the fuck down.

  I’d witnessed this before, while we were in Long Island.

  When I’d walked out of The Riff Bar that night and seen Molly standing there, tears streaking down her face, I knew… I knew something bad had happened. She’d always been this firecracker: a sassy, no-holds-barred kind of girl who wasn’t afraid to say what she was thinking. But that night, she was… lost.

  We had history. Not the kind of history Eva and Rafe had before they finally gave in to their connection. They were made for each other. But Molly Steinberg and me were two magnets who rubbed the wrong way.

  We’d hooked up during the talent contest where the band had first met Eva. And there had been a handful of times since. But Molly knew the score. She knew I wasn’t looking to settle, and she had responsibilities back home.

  The sex was good, better than good; it was fucking fire. But I wasn’t Rafe. I didn’t have a heart to hand over to anyone. I couldn’t offer her… that. And I’d never given her the impression I could.

  Something had changed between us in Long Island. She was skittish, quiet and withdrawn. It didn’t take a fucking genius to work out whatever had gone down with Carson—the guy she’d been dating back in Lyme—was bad, but she wouldn’t talk about it. And I knew all about wanting to keep your secrets, so I didn’t push.

  “I was?” The blood drained from her face. “I… what did I say?”

  My brow arched at that. “Want to talk about it?”

  “N-no. I’m fine.”

  My teeth ground together. She wasn’t fine. She was beyond being not fucking fine, but she’d made it perfectly clear that she didn’t want mine or anyone else’s help.

  “I need to use the bathroom. Excuse me.” She stared up at me with those big brown eyes.

  “Uh, yeah. Sure.” I backed up, giving her space. Unable to do anything but watch as she slipped out of her seat and hurried toward the bathroom nestled away behind the curtain.

  “Hud?” another voice said, and I glanced back to find Eva frowning. “What’s wrong?”

  “She was dreaming.”

  From the look on Eva’s face, I knew she understood I didn’t mean a good dream.

  “I’ll go check on her.” She pushed the thin blanket off her shoulders. Rafe stirred, but quickly settled when she leaned over and kissed his brow, whispering something to him.

  A sharp tug pulled at my chest. I wasn’t cut out for what they had, but it didn’t stop me from wondering sometimes.

  “Try and get some rest.” She squeezed my arm as she passed me.

  “Yeah.”

  But as I went back to my seat, I knew sleep wouldn’t find me again. Not without something stronger to push me into oblivion. And the last thing the band needed was another self-medicating asshole to contend with.

  By the time we touched down in Paris, I was as cranky as fuck. My head still hurt from all the whiskey, my neck ached from sleeping funny, and I couldn’t get the sound of Molly crying out in her sleep out of my fucking head.

  “Paris, can you believe it?” Letty grinned at me as we were ushered off the plane and into the connecting bridge. Our security detail stuck close by, herding us like animals as we headed for customs.

  “Holy shit, this is insane,” Levi drawled, nudging my arm. Phoebe smiled up at him, snagging his attention and the two of them moved on ahead of me.

  I muttered under my breath.

  I liked Phoebe, and I loved Eva like a sister, but this new dynamic was going to take some getting used to.

  Between Letty, Eva, Phoebe, and Molly, we were almost outnumbered. Thankfully, Damon had not shown any interest in girls of late—groupies or otherwise—so I didn’t anticipate him abandoning me anytime soon for the wifed up life.

  But shit wasn’t the same anymore.

  Maybe it was better this way. All the partying and girls and living life on the edge… it was fucking exhausting. Even I was man enough to admit that.

  My cell phone vibrated in my pocket, and I dug it out, frowning.

  “You have reception?” Damon asked, coming up beside me.

  “Yeah, I guess it auto-switched to a local carrier.” I frowned at the unknown number before bringing the cell phone to my ear. “Hello?”

  “Hi, baby.”

  “Mom?” I whisper-hissed, slowing down to put some distance between me and the guys. “I thought I told you not to call me for a while. I have the tour.”

  “The tour, right. Right.” The words were slow, every syllable elongated. I clenched my jaw. “I’m so proud of you, baby. So proud…”

  “Mom, you sound—”

  “No. Noooo, Hudson. I’m fine, baby. Better than fine, I’m perfect. Everything is perfect.”

  Shit. I couldn’t do this. Not now. Not when I was about to embark on the biggest tour of my career so far.

  “You should call Kenny, Mom.” Just saying his name made my spine go rigid. The guy was a Class-A asshole, but she was his problem. Not mine. “I’m sure he can—”

  “Kenny, he… uh, he ended things.” She sniffled.

  “He ends things all the time, Mom. But you always figure it out. I can’t do this now. I have to go.”

  “Wait, wait, please, Hud, baby. I miss you. I just… I’m sorry, my sweet boy. I’m really sorry.”

  “Yeah, Mom. Me too.” I hung up, cutting her off.

  Damon, along with Stalter, one of our security detail, hung back for me. “You good?” Damon asked as I reached him.

  “Nothing new.” I pocketed my cell phone and tried to shake off the guilt churning in my stomach.

  “Hey, look, man, if you need—”

  “I’m fine.”

  Fuck. I hated those words. I hated every time Molly said them and I hated hearing them come out of my own goddamn mouth. But I couldn’t worry about my mom right now. She’d made her bed—she would have to fucking lie in it.

  Maybe that made me an asshole, but I’d spent my whole life listening to her bullshit. Watching her self-destruct time and time again. Only to pick herself up and promise me that next time would be different.

  It was never different.

  It was never going to be different.

  But I couldn’t cut her off. No matter how many times she let me down, how many times she ended up right back at square one, I couldn’t do it.

  Because she was the only mom I had.

  And that had to count for something.

  Didn’t it?

  MOLLY

  The Hotel Royale Plaza was like nothing I’ve ever seen and under any other circumstances, I would have been unable to contain my excitement as I took in the opulent foyer with its huge hanging crystal chandelier and the splashes of gold and deep red everywhere. But the truth was, I was numb.

  Ever since I woke up on that plane with Hudson staring down at me, I’d been on edge. His heavy gaze had followed me all day and I felt like I couldn’t breathe with him watching me. Questioning me. Silently begging me to give him something.

  It was exhausting.

  And it had to stop.

  “Okay, we’re all checked in,” Letty said, approaching us. “Let’s go find our rooms.” She motioned for me to follow her. “We have the entire top floor. Penthouse suite and the two adjoining suites. Me and you will take one suite. Security will be set up in the second, and the guys, Eva, and Phoebe get the penthouse.”

  “Got it,” I said as if I had a clue about any of this.

  Part of me still didn’t understand why they’d brought me along, but I wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. I needed this. I needed to be as far away from Lyme as possible.

  It didn’t get much further than four-and-a-half thousand miles across the ocean.

  Guilt began to swarm inside of me, but I pushed it down, smothering it. Locking it away tightly where it couldn’t touch me. I’d given everything to my mom, to my twin brothers. I’d sacrificed my social life, my hopes and dreams, my future, all to be there for them. But now I needed to put myself first.

  For once, I needed to sa
ve myself.

  “Molly?” Letty frowned at me, and I blinked.

  “Sorry, I’m here. What do you need from me?”

  “Once everyone’s situated, we’ll go through the arrangements for later again. We need to be at sound check for three. The guys will want to eat, so maybe research local takeouts and ask what they’d like or we can check out the room service menu. I have to make some calls, make sure Duke is making good time.”

  “Right, got it.”

  Duke was the band’s tour bus driver and was due to arrive with the tour bus tomorrow morning. When I’d asked why the guys wouldn’t fly from venue to venue, Letty had explained they actually preferred the bus. They got more downtime that way and spent less time dodging the paparazzi.

  Eva had told me all about what it was like traveling on the road with them and there had been a time when the thought of it sounded like one big adventure. The stuff dreams were made of. But that was before.

  Now I wasn’t sure how I would fare sleeping in close confines with other people. But thankfully, Letty had already explained we would be on the second bus with a couple other members of the team.

  At least, I wouldn’t have to survive Hudson’s questioning gaze at every turn. Although, I was pretty certain once the tour started, he’d be too distracted by the hordes of adoring fangirls to think about the last couple of weeks.

  The sound of laughter filtered in through the windows. Everyone was in the pool, splashing and fooling around. But I couldn’t stop crying. Even though I had no tears left to fall, I still sobbed, the force of each shuddering breath physically wrecking me.

  Eva had tried countless times to coax me to join them. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be around them and pretend. Not yet.

  So I hugged my pillow tighter and closed my eyes, hoping I would fall into a deep, deep forgiving sleep. The kind where you didn’t dream and monsters couldn’t reach you.

  But sleep didn’t find me because every time I closed my eyes, I saw him.

  Footsteps outside my room startled me and I pushed up on my elbows, half expecting to see Eva peek inside. But it wasn’t Eva at all.

  “Hudson,” I breathed.

  “I just wanted to see how you’re doing?” He ran a hand over his dark hair and down the back of his neck. “Do you need anything?”

  “I… no, thank you.”

  “You’ve been crying.”

  A statement, not a question.

  He stepped further into the room, taking the air with him.

  Hudson Ryker was devastatingly gorgeous. The epitome of a sexy, bad boy rock star.

  And boy oh boy, did he know it.

  He wore his confidence like a second skin, turning on his easy charm and flashing that playful smirk. It was hardly any wonder girls dropped their panties for him in droves. Or that there was a trail of broken hearts across the country.

  Hudson f’in Ryker was that guy. The guy you knew you should stay away from, but the guy who was worth the hurt.

  I knew firsthand how good it felt. For those few nights that I’d been the center of his attention, I hadn’t cared about the consequences or the fact he would never offer more than a night of hot, sweaty, downright sinful sex.

  But this Hudson… the one who had dropped to his knees outside that club at the sight of me. Well, I didn’t know what to do with that Hudson.

  “Did he hurt you?” There was a softness to his voice that made my heart ache.

  “I… I can’t talk about it.”

  “Molly girl, look at me.” The words were a plea. A tight, frustrated breath that matched the expression he wore.

  “I…”

  “Look. At. Me.” The bed dipped and he was there. Right freaking there. But I still couldn’t look. I still couldn’t meet his heavy gaze.

  “Molly.” He sighed, brushing the damp hair from my face.

  “Please, Hudson. Don’t do this. I just want to be left alone.”

  “Not gonna happen,” he said thickly. “Scooch over.”

  “W-what?”

  “You heard me, Steinberg.” He nudged me gently and I finally met his eyes.

  “There she is.” He smiled and it was blinding. “Now scooch over and stop hogging the covers.”

  “Hudson…”

  But he didn’t listen, nudging me some more until he could slip in beside me. He pulled me into his strong arms and tucked me close. He was shirtless, in a pair of board shorts that rode low on his hips. But he didn’t seem in the least bit bothered about his state of undress.

  Silence enveloped us as he held me, my heart careening in my chest. I didn’t understand, it was all very confusing. Especially when things had been weird between us recently. After the last time we’d hooked up he’d made it pretty clear it couldn’t happen again… so I’d gone back to being alone, determined to move on and forget all about Hudson f’in Ryker.

  But now he was here, holding me, and although I would never admit it out loud, I felt safer in his arms than I had in a long time.

  We piled into the elevator, and I was unable to escape my reflection. Unable to shake off the lingering memories of that hazy two weeks in Long Island. The plan had been to stay for a week, but then I showed up and everyone sacrificed their plans to stay until the tour started.

  They stayed for me and now I was here, trying to figure out how to navigate this new life.

  How could I do that when I didn’t even look like me anymore? The sparkle in my brown eyes was gone, dimmed by circumstance, and my skin looked pale. I glanced down, not wanting to see the evidence of just how broken I was.

  A hand curled around mine and I lifted my gaze, my heart beating in my chest.

  For a second, I thought it might be Hudson. It was Eva though, and I didn’t know whether to be relieved… or bitterly disappointed.

  “I could eat a small cow,” Hunter grumbled, and Letty shot me a knowing look.

  “We’re on it,” she said. “Get settled, showered, all that stuff, and we’ll order in. Sound check is at three. Security is doing a dummy run ride to the stadium to make sure we don’t hit any snags.

  “Paris,” Rafe said, still slightly awed.

  “Fucking A,” Hudson whooped. “Hey, do you think they’ll sing back to us in French or English?”

  “English, asshole.” Levi snorted.

  “What? It was a valid question.”

  Everyone chuckled.

  Everyone except me.

  “Okay,” Letty said as the elevator came to a stop. “Here we are. And please for the love of God and my sanity, don’t trash the place.”

  “Don’t worry, Let.” The doors pinged open, and the guys began filing out once security gave them the go ahead. “We’re all grown up and shit now.” Hudson ruffled her hair and winked. But before he stepped out, he glanced back at me.

  Time stopped.

  My heart stopped.

  Please, don’t say it. I silently pleaded with him to leave it.

  To leave me alone.

  His lips parted, the air charged around us. But at the last second, he swallowed whatever he’d been about to say and slipped out of the elevator without another word.

  I slumped against the wall, letting out a soft sigh.

  “Want to talk about it?” Letty asked me.

  Offering her a sad smile, I shook my head and said, “There’s nothing to talk about.”

  Maybe if I said the words enough, they would eventually come true.

  “Where are you putting it all?” Eva asked Levi as we all watched him hoover down another slice of pizza.

  “I’m a growing boy.” He grinned around a mouthful of food and Phoebe rolled her eyes.

  “Babe, you’re a pig.”

  “But I’m your pig.” He dove for her, pinning her to the couch and smothering her in greasy kisses while the rest of us watched on.

  “Fuck this.” Hudson shot up and stormed into his bedroom, slamming the door.

  “What crawled up his ass and died?” Levi asked, finally coming up for air.

  Everyone looked at me and I wanted nothing more than to disappear into the big armchair I was sitting in.

  “Guys.” Letty shook her head, offering me a sympathetic smile. “We need to leave soon. Maybe one of you should go check on him?”

  “I’ll go.” The words were out before I could stop them.

  “Mol, I’m not sure—”

  “It’s okay, I got this.” We needed to clear the air anyway.