Ruin Read online

  What the fuck was happening right now?

  I felt Phoebe’s eyes burning into me, but I couldn’t look at her. I’d already fucked up once.

  “Okay, awkward,” she let out a strained laugh, “I just thought—”

  I plucked the card from her fingers and shoved it in my pocket.

  “I hope you’ll use it.” She gave me a heated wink, before turning and walking straight into Phoebe.

  “Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there.” Kinney moved around her.

  “I just came to tell you they’re ready for you.” The tightness in her voice made me internally wince.

  “Thanks. Listen, Phoebe, that wasn’t—”

  “Not my business.” She smiled around the words before turning her back on me and walking away.

  The harsh glare of the light was blinding. I could barely see Kinney as she threw question after question at me. My palms were slick, the rapid beat of my heart in my chest nauseating.

  I needed a stiff drink or a line of coke or even some Molly. Anything to make it all go away.

  “So you’re fessing up?” she asked. “It was you on that video?”

  “I think we all know it was me, Kinney.” I forced a smirk. “I’m just a guy at the end of the day. I make mistakes like everyone else.”

  “But there are a lot of people out there that would argue the point and say you should know better.”

  “And they’re right, I should know better. But sometimes in the heat of the moment, when life throws a curveball at you, you don’t have time to weigh up the pros and cons of a decision. You just make it. Even if it’s the wrong one.” My chest heaved with the weight of my words. “Haven’t you ever messed up, Kinney?”

  “Of course I have.”

  “Because you’re human. And we’re not designed to be flawless.”

  I silently prayed that would be the end of it, relieved as fuck when she changed tack.

  “I’m sure everyone will appreciate your candidness. Now, what can you tell us about the new track? I think listeners have been dying for a collaboration with Eva since you first brought her out on stage in Charlotte. I’ve heard it, and I have to say, it gave me chills.”

  “I aim to please.” I gave the camera a wolfish grin, flicking my tongue over my piercings in typical Levi Hunter fashion.

  Kinney fanned herself. “Indeed.” She chuckled. “But you’re sidestepping my question.” One of her thin brows arched.

  “What can I tell you about Drown?” My eyes found Phoebe’s across the room. She was wedged between Letty and Alistair, barely visible in the shadows. But I saw her.

  I always fucking saw her.

  “Listen to the lyrics and I’m sure you can figure it out.” I shrugged nonchalantly.

  “So it is about a woman? Because if it is, hearts will be breaking all over the country today.”

  “Don’t worry, Kinney,” her name rolled off my tongue seductively, “there’s plenty of me to go around.”

  She clutched her heart, gasping dramatically. “Oof, there you have it, folks. Black Hearts Still Beats new track Drown maybe or may not be a love song.”

  The word slammed into me.

  It was about Phoebe, yeah. But a love song?

  No fucking way.

  I didn’t know how to love.

  I wasn’t worthy of love.

  I just knew I felt something for her, something I hadn’t ever felt before.

  I’d thought I’d felt it with Eva at one point, but I could see that for what it was now. She was the first person in a long time to see past all the darkness shrouding me. Eva dug herself in and refused to leave, and her light—fuck, her light and purity and soul-deep goodness—was addictive.

  “Thank you for talking the time to talk to us, Levi. It’s always a pleasure.” I nodded and she went on, “Friends, fans, and listeners, please welcome on stage Levi Hunter and Evangeline Walker with their new track, Drown.”

  The camera panned to Eva sitting on a lonely stool. I got up and made my way over, giving her a sly wink. Her lips curved as I took my place in front of the mic stand. The guys stood in the small audience, watching. I saw the pride in my brother’s eyes, the raw unfiltered love he felt for Eva as he watched her intently. She was his Starshine, his redemption. And although I was so jealous some days that I wanted to gouge out my own eyes, I was also so fucking happy for them.

  Silence ushered over the room as Eva gave me a questioning nod. I returned it and she strummed the open notes of the song. The second the music hit me, all the tension melted away. I clutched the mic stand like it was my lifeline, my oxygen, bleeding my words into the mic.

  I felt Phoebe watching me and I couldn’t resist meeting her awed expression. Our eyes locked, intense and unwavering as I revealed my truths, caressing every lyric like it was the soft curves of her skin.

  She said we were a mistake. That we needed to keep things strictly professional, but I didn’t like the rules. I liked to live free. Wild and recklessly. Because when the chaos stopped and everything was still, that’s when the monsters found me.

  Eva’s soft voice took over as she sang the new lyrics. Phoebe looked away and I was almost sure I saw a tear roll down her cheek. I didn’t want to make her sad, I wanted her to realize what she meant to me. What our limited time together meant.

  The bridge came and I belted out the words, my gravelly tones softened by Eva’s pitch. It was a fucking perfect performance. The audience’s applause filled the room as people began moving, eager to jump into their next tasks. But one person remained.

  Phoebe.

  She was watching me again, her thumb pressed to her plump bottom lip. Fuck. I wanted to run my tongue over it and drag it between my teeth. I wanted to make it hurt and then soothe the sting with my tongue.

  “You should try and talk to her.” Eva moved behind me.

  “Nah, that ship has sailed, Angel.”

  “I might not know much about relationships, Levi, but I know longing when I see it.”

  Was Eva right?

  Could Phoebe be longing for me even though she’d pushed me away?

  Women were fucking confusing creatures. Usually, I picked a girl, fucked her into oblivion, and moved on with my life.

  But not her.

  Not the girl with braids in her hair and ink on her skin.

  She’d latched onto my soul and buried herself deep in my chest.

  Eva gave a little sigh of resignation before patting me on the shoulder. I knew she was only trying to help, but this wasn’t something she could just fix.

  It wasn’t something anyone could fix.

  Some things just were. Like the sky being blue or the grass being green. I’d gotten off my face and fucked Riley. I’d done that.

  Me.

  I couldn’t take it back or erase it or slap a Band-Aid over it.

  So no matter how much I wanted Phoebe to give me another chance, for the first time in my life, I could see the other side of the coin. And I didn’t blame her.

  I was a fuck-up.

  An addict.

  A selfish asshole.

  I probably always would be.

  Phoebe

  “What’s up, N’awlins. You’re looking sexy tonight.”

  The crowd roared, the noise reverberating deep inside me as I watched from the wings. Levi strutted across the stage as if he was made for it, and the fans lapped it up.

  The exclusive with The Rock Report has been a huge success. In the last twenty-four hours, Drown had already been streamed almost five million times, with a unanimously positive reception. Levi’s fans were all over social media, supporting their tortured idol, stamping out every piece of negative press. It was the perfect storm to cover up his mistake. People were no longer talking about the sex tape; they were taking about the song.

  They were talking about my song.

  Deep down, I think I’d known the first time he’d sung Drown, at Damon’s birthday party, that it was about me. But I hadn’t wanted to
believe it then. I still hadn’t wanted to believe it when I heard him sing it in the studio a few days ago. But hearing him yesterday, after the interview, I’d had no choice but to face the truth.

  Levi had been performing for the show, for the hundreds of thousands of fans that tuned into Kinney’s interviews. But he’d been singing to me.

  I’d felt every lyric right down to my soul. There had been a moment the words had hit me so deeply, so profoundly, that a tear had rolled down my cheek.

  The truth of it was, Levi Hunter had the power to wreck me with a single word. Imagine what he could do if I gave him my heart?

  No, I had to be strong. I had to resist the connection I felt to him. I’d tried to fix one addict, I couldn’t do it again. Because when you gave so much of yourself to a person, eventually there was nothing left.

  I was in a good place. I had my job at Razorsharp Records. I had new friends. Direction. I had focus.

  “He seems better,” Letty said from beside me, just as the band broke into their opening song.

  “Yeah,” I murmured, my hand drifting to my neck. Levi looked the part. He carried himself with poise and power, owning all twenty-thousand hearts here tonight. But I knew it was the mask he made himself wear. That’s how it was for addicts. They showed the world one thing while hiding their truths beneath fake smirks and smiles that didn’t quite reach their eyes.

  “The guys want to celebrate tonight on their bus. Nothing crazy, just a few drinks.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “You should be there. You’re a part of this team, Phoebe. Besides, he’ll want you there.”

  I inhaled a deep breath, unable to tear my eyes off Levi as he screeched into the mic. Most of their lyrics were so dark and haunting, watching him was like witnessing an exorcism. A purging of sins. My body hummed with awareness, of something otherworldly unfolding before me.

  “I’ll think about it,” I said quietly, more to myself than Letty.

  If I rode on their bus, it would mean sleeping on it. They had bunks, but I had struggled to sleep down the hall from Levi, let alone right next to him.

  “Everything will work out, Phoebe.” Letty squeezed my arm. “You’ll see.”

  I wanted to believe her.

  But I knew history had a way of repeating itself.

  “Holy fucking shit, that was epic.” Hudson bounded past me. “I feel like I could fly.”

  “Let’s not try that,” Damon grumbled, stalking off down the hall.

  “We’re showering on the bus, right?”

  “Yeah, Duke wants to get on the road ASAP.” Letty appeared. “We have a long road ahead.”

  The next show was tomorrow in Phoenix. That was almost a nineteen-hour ride. Sure, the band would be asleep for most of it. But for the road crew and security, it meant a long night ahead.

  “I hope you stocked the liquor cabinet, Letty, baby, because I feel like getting fucked-up.” Hudson grinned at her.

  “Is he high?” she asked Damon and Levi. He’d creeped up on us. But now he was close, I became hyperaware of him, my skin tingling.

  “High on life.” He waggled his brows. “Didn’t you hear them? They almost blew the roof off the place. They love us, baby. They fucking love us,” he yelled, tearing off his t-shirt and lassoing it in the air.

  “Fucking moron,” Levi muttered beside me and our eyes caught.

  “You were great,” I said, quietly.

  “Thanks.” His expression was indifferent. My stomach sank, but then he added, “The guys want to celebrate later, you should come.”

  “Okay.”

  God. I wasn’t supposed to say okay. But the pull was too strong. I could go and hangout with them without falling into the Levi Hunter trap, couldn’t I?

  “See you there, Intern.” A faint smile traced his lips as he slipped past me, his hand brushing mine.

  Heat flashed through me. But then I remembered him at the club, the blonde leaving his room the next morning, and the butterflies in my stomach turned hard, crumbling to dust.

  “Phoebe, are you okay?” Eva touched my arm. I was still standing there, while everyone else disappeared down the hall. Rafe lingered but she gave him a look and he took off after his bandmates.

  “The show was great,” I said around a weak smile.

  “Thank you. Do you want to talk about it?”

  “About what?” I played dumb, but she gave me a knowing look.

  “You’re not foolin’ anyone.”

  “I’m not trying to. I just...” A soft sigh slipped from my lips. “How do you do it?”

  “Do what?”

  “The fangirls and groupies and craziness?”

  She shrugged. “It wasn’t exactly what I had planned for my life. But when I met Rafe it was like somethin’ shifted, ya know?”

  I did. It had happened to me twice now.

  “Love makes you crazy.” The corner of Eva’s mouth kicked up. “It makes you take risks and push yourself out of your comfort zone. At least, it has for me.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed because she was right.

  Love did make you crazy.

  And if you weren’t careful, it made you lose sight of who you were.

  “Come tonight. It’s just us and the guys. Besides, we’ll be on the tour bus.” She smiled. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

  Coming here was a bad idea.

  I was wedged between Hudson and Letty with a glass full of tequila in front of me.

  “Your turn, Pheebs.” Hudson handed me the dice.

  “Okay,” I breathed, tipping it out of my hand onto the table. “Six. So, what now? I roll again?”

  “Or hold until your next turn. I can’t believe you’ve never played Pig before.” Hudson snorted.

  “Hmm. I’ll go again.” Scooping up the die, I rolled it a second time. “Six again.”

  “Beginners luck.” Rafe smirked.

  “You’re just jealous you got a one, bro.” Hudson chuckled.

  He’d had five good rolls in a row before rolling a one and having to down his drink.

  “What’s it gonna be, Intern?” Levi cocked a brow at me, challenge glittering in his dark gaze. He’d been quiet since we all crammed in around the table on their tour bus. He wasn’t playing, but he seemed happy enough watching the rest of us.

  “I’m feeling lucky. I’ll go again.” Anticipation trickled up my spine. I was unsure about coming, knowing that I’d be stuck on the bus until Duke made a pitstop. But I couldn’t deny it felt nice to be accepted among them.

  “Now we’re talking. Roll it, baby.” The point of the drinking seemed lost on Hudson, who was getting through his Jack and Cokes quicker than he could make them.

  “You might want to slow down.” I eyed his half-full glass.

  “Relax, Mom. It’s a celebration. Besides, there wasn’t time to fuck a groupie, so I need something to take off the edge. Unless you’re offering to go above and beyond your assistant duties.” His eyes narrowed, blazing with hunger.

  “Hudson,” Rafe warned.

  “Joke.” A wolfish grin tugged at his mouth. “I’m joking.” His eyes slid to Levi’s, the two of them locked in some kind of silent conversation.

  Desperate to cut through the heavy tension, I rolled again. “Four. That’s sixteen. I’m gonna go again.”

  “You’re tempting fate now, girl,” Letty said.

  “I think I’ve got another roll in me.” Feeling confident, I rolled, letting out a frustrated groan when it landed a one.

  “Now you gotta drink.” Hudson pushed my glass toward me. “Three turns so you gotta take three drinks. Or you could just drink the entire thing.”

  Rolling my eyes, I brought the glass to my lips, overpowered by the bitter smell.

  “Down in one, baby.”

  I poked my tongue out at Hudson before downing the entire glass.

  “Holy shit, a girl after my own heart.”

  The liquor burned, making my eyes water, b
ut I sucked it up. I wanted to prove to them—and myself—I had what it took to be here.

  To be around Levi without skulking in the shadows. To be one of them.

  “Something tells me Halstead has been holding out on us.” Hudson winked at me.

  If only he knew.

  “Letty, you’re up.”

  Everyone took their turn. Letty got to thirty-five before she stopped and smugly handed the dice to Eva. She rolled a one and only had to sip her drink. By the time we’d all done another three turns, I was beginning to feel more than a little buzzed.

  “A-ha.” I slammed my hand down on the table, snorting at Hudson’s one. He’d gotten greedy rolling seven times before finally hitting a one.

  “You gotta down it, rock star. Every last drop.”

  “I don’t think I like drunk Phoebe.”

  “I’m not drunk, I’m just... chill.”

  “Keep telling yourself that.” He chugged down his drink, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

  “This has been fun and all, but I think we’re going to call it a night,” Rafe said.

  “Noooo! The night is young. We still have all those bottles of liquor to get through.” Hudson tipped his head toward the counter.

  “Are you okay, man? You’re acting a little weird.”

  “Who, me? Couldn’t be better.” He helped himself to a refill. “The show was great. The band was great. You and Eva are great. Pheebs is great. Everything is fan-fucking-great.”

  “Err, dude, that’s not a word.”

  “Well, it is now.”

  I studied Hudson’s eyes. He talked a good talk, but he seemed kind of... sad.

  “You know you can fix this.” Eva gave him a long hard look.

  “Fix what? Didn’t you just hear me, everything is fan-fucking-great.” He downed half of his new drink.

  “Let me guess, Molly finally decided to quit your ass and move on with her life?”

  The air shifted at Levi’s insinuation.

  Molly was Eva’s best friend from back home, and from what I’d gathered, she and Hudson had had a thing. Only, he also had a thing with a new girl in every city we visited.

  “Fuck you, man.” Hudson jabbed his finger at Levi. “Fuck you.”